Saw tis on fb today... U tink it's true?

i just feel sad today.. life w/o u have been sad.. and meaningless..

i no longer have tings to look forward to at e end of e day.. i come home to my room alone.. which is why ive been slping early these days.. i cant bear e lonely nights.. they r e worse time of e day where i just feel weak.

hai.. y m i crying again.. i just feel sad tinking abt our past few mths.. did u have fun during our taiwan trip? or were u just bored w me? when we went to e musuems etc. was it a chore for u?

I'm purposely refusing to reply u. I guess for 2 reasons. One of which is childish. I must admit. I wana let u hav a taste of wat it feels to b ignored. Hai but I tink u may not even n bothered. Or even notice :(

Secondly. I really dun wan to get used to msging u. There w come a day where u have move on. I can't keep relying n depending on u.

Heard e guang liang song tt u sang for me b4 n I can't help but tear. Luckily no one saw.

Hai.. today is back to staring at my phone again. N u didn't msg me at all.

I teared seeing ah cui's msg. I guess e positive ting coming out of this is I got reminded of how lucky I m to b surrounded by great frens n loving parents.

Stella asked whether I was goin to take a trip w u b4 I go SH. Totally caught me off guard. She didn't know tt we broke up. I duno how I'll react to other pple asking abt u

I'm back to staring at my phone n waiting for ur msges.. hai

I couldn't bear it n I said 'love u'. U said back. I noe u really mean it now. But I just feel sad coz some time in e future tt would no longer b true :(

Did u miss me today?

If u had given me a lil squeeze back I would have known wat to do.

"Your relationship with Ryan Koh will be cancelled upon saving"

Been staring at this for 10min. Really? U mean it's as simple as a click of a button? N that's it?

I've decided to let u go. Not like it's up to me to choose anyway. But why won't u even give me a chance to do this smiling. U stubborn mull.

I can understand how u feel. I've been there. About 6 years plus ago? But back then it was really mainly coz of u tt I broke up w G. Even though I really hate to admit coz it makes me look like a terrible person but deep down tt's the reason. Which is why I approached this r/s w so much caution. Becoz I've experienced how feelings for a person can change so drastically. But u gave me no reason to doubt u or be careful in this r/s which is y I gave u my heart - all of it.

U tell me u wan us to work out eventually. Even though I really truly badly want to believe but I can't. Do I have too little faith in u? In us? I duno. I tink I'm just stating reality which u have not realized or u just choose to deny for now.

U didnt seem to believe me when i told u it's our last goodbye today. U mean u could tell how weak i was? How I would most definitely find reasons to see u? U messaged me to say u still wan to see me. But that's only for now. How long more w u feel this way? Once someone new comes along (n it most definitely w happen, if not already) u w move on while I'm still left here waiting. I dun wan to stay till then. We shd leave when there's still love.

Stay strong!

I'm becoming really pathetic. Y do I still miss u. Wan to see u. When u hav alr made ur stand clear.

I've been there. I know wat it means. Gdbye…

I cried again.. I duno why.. Y r u so stubborn?

Y can't u let me have it my way.. For e last time?

Y can't u let me leave u feeling happy. WHY!

Y won't u reply me even though u're online. It hurts. But it also reminds me abt our break.

:(

u didnt turn me down for nxt wkend.. but u seem so insistent on booking dinner. i wonder if i shd tell u wat i have planned?

Actually i really want to do some tings w u b4 i leave for SH. it would also b a closure for me to our r/s.. i see this lk an open hse... a r/s open hse.. one of e main agenda would b to have sex w u. ever since u brought up e fact tt we haven done it in a while... i've been yearning for u... everyday.. but today is really bad.. im treating this lk a gdbye sex.. n also i've always wanted to dirty dance/ do a strip tease for u... n play strip poker. i also just want to tk this chance to talk openly about every aspect of our r/s... lk wat is ur fav moment, what do u not like abt me etc. i duno if i shd ask u abt v-gal.. i mean.. i have a sinking feeling there is def someting.. i just want a chance to do everyting i wan and have no regrets about our r/s. that's all.

ohh... i really wan u badly.........

Marshall took 67 days to get over Lily. How long w I take?

R u trying to toy w my feelings? Msg me den disappear! :(

I nned to learn not to centre my world arnd u. But that's what I've done my past 6 yrs. It'll take me time to transit.

E other day a really nice colleague asked abt my secondment den asked abt u. I told her whether I'll still have a bf b4 I leave is still uncertain. She asked whether I was ok. I actually did not even think/consider n told her yeah I'm fine.

Anw. She warned tt I need to hold my liquor well n learn to protect myself. To a certain extent, I'm looking forward to drinking /smoking / clubbing. Somehow smoking most. I duno y. Mayb I'll try to b a smoker?

Hai wat m I doing? I really don't know.

....……………………

U keep creeping in my mind. I can't conc to do my work!

I really love u!

It felt good to touch ur hair n listen to u rant. I'll even miss cleaning ur eye shit. As gross as tt sounds.

Saw a gal at ur Hse downstairs when I left n e first thought tt came to my mind is - is tt v gal?

I'm driving myself crazy w tis v-gal ting.

I felt lk u chased me away again. Did u?

Im crazy man. I'm using whatsapp to trace ur life. Haha. Wat time u're awake. Wat time u're asleep.

Duno if ur soccer is 9 or 10.

I'm going for yoga later! I tink I've missed for 3-4wks? Lost count. Abit scared to bump into ur mum.

It's been one week. R u happy?

Feeling a lil sad n lonely in office now. It's a fri night n I dun feel like goin out. I dun feel lk going home either. Dun feel like working but there's so much work!

Yday u said u still love me alot.. But I dun wan to believe u... I must learn to build my protective wall again. May b hard since I've long forgotten abt it. But I must learn!

Not difficult if I keep reminding myself abt e v-gal!

I found tiffy! At least to me I still feel part of u w me.

Now I can't stop tinking abt u n her! Wat kind of normal fren w call lk 5 times consecutively?

I just can't push tt thought out of my mind!!

Plus y must u talk abt e mindef calls. It only goes to show there's someting tt u're hiding

I still haven't talk to u abt 1-2oct. I'm really scared u'll reject me n I'll b sad. At e same time, wat m I doing??

Hai. U say there's nothing but somehow my heart does not believe.

N I'm touched tt ur dad actually asked u. I tot it would have been ur mum who would ask.

I duno if I wan u to go yl's wedding. Afraid it might b awkward. But im happy u said yes.

Duno if I shd ask u abt nxt wkend... Duno if I'm ready n I'm afraid u'll reject me

Somehow I felt tt u chased me out just now. Does it have anyting to do w her?

Why did I instinctively go look at ur phone when she called :(

I thought I was fine

What motivates me?

That's what e pilates instructor asked me yday. I couldn't tink of a response.

All these years u've been my pillar of support. I always turn to u when I have probs and u always know how to make me feel better.

He asked if getting married would be motivation for me to train hard for pilates. Again. I couldn't reply him.

These days I've so much free alone time on hand I duno what to do man

I tink I can say tt I'm stable today. No urge to cry triggered. I can laugh and mean it. I dont stare into space and feel soul-less.

In fact, I tink I'm starting to see tings from ur point of view. (lk god!! How can I b so open minded n understanding!!! Someting must be wired wrong up there) I guess it must have took courage on ur part ( or mayb I'm wrong, u're just sick of me) watever, I like to think tt u chose to let go of someting familiar to ensure tt u really want more of it.

Well even if that intention is true. There's no guarantee. I mean there's no guarantee in life. It's a gamble. E stakes change all e time.

Today seem to be a happy day. U whatsapp me quite abit. In a sense I'm glad to be swamped w work I have no time to think abt anything else.

Today saw a couple kissing at republic plaza. E last time u kissed we were on ur bed? I said we've not kissed for a long time? I guess i shd have also picked up how 'unwilling' u were then.

Had a good start today. Though didn't sleep much last nite. But I haven felt e urge to cry. Even when my mum asked abt u I was calm. I think I'm making good progress :)

U said u dl himym n raising hope for me. Did u do it becoz u care for me? I dare not think further.

Can't fall back to sleep..

Cant believe I'm googling some heartbreak websites. Someting I nv imagined I'll ever do.

Y did I ask u if u r whatsapping other gals? Even though u replied saying u r chatting w e guys it still hurt. There was nv going to b a win-win from this question n yet I can't stop myself fr imagining. I really can't!!! N I had to ask u. N ur answer didn't help. N now I push u away by not giving u e space u wanted.

I keep wondering if this bothers u as much as it bothers me? Does it?

Just realized tt I've not heard ur voice since tt fri, those hurtful words.

I duno y but I have this feeling tt I've really lost u

Just went through our 'magical book of memories'. Surprisingly I did not cry. I realize some of e most memorable tings happened in e first yr we were tog. I'm really grateful for those and w always keep them in a special place in my heart.

There's traces of u everywhere I look. But I guess my alot calmer today. I guess time really heals all wounds. I can tink of e same ting as I did on maybe sat/sun and not break down in tears.

Today at work everything's more normal. I feel better surrounded by familiar pple.

Again i tried to tell val but nothing came out. But I feel stronger today than yday and that's a good sign.

I told u I'll go pick up stuff on thurs. I've not decided whether to clear out my stuff. Im also afraid of bumping into ur mum. Over e years I've grown close to ur mum who's always been really nice to me.

Now I feel sad tinking abt her. I duno wat to talk to her on thurs. I dun wan to cry in front of her.

Today in office surrounded by many pple (yday all on course). Feels better. I feel more distracted and have not felt lk crying. Yet.

Wanted to tell Val a few times but couldnt get it out of my mouth.

I just topped up $50 to my ezlink. N e thought came over me. W this b e last time tt I'll top up my ezlink b4 SH?

This overseas secondment was wat I always wanted. But now, I just don't feel happy or excited about it. Why?

Is it me or is fml not funny anymore.

Ate some noodles this morn but my body just wants to puke it out.

Cried again today. Can only say tt I asked for it. Y r u doing all these to hurt me.

Dont know why but I'm trying to starve myself. Barely ate today. Now i finally understand y some pple can lose e will to live. I mean, I've always considered myself as a positive person n yet thoughts of starving myself, cutting myself did cross my mind. But I won't go there. Don't worry.

Feel like a fool keep staring at my whatsapp waiting for u to come online. Resisting from msging you. I saw tt last nite 218am u were still online. Wanted to ask y u still haven slept yet. Whenever u're online I can't help but imagine u whatsapping other gals. I really hate it but can't help myself.

I saw u added her as fren. I can't explain but I felt sad.

Today I thought whether I'll b better off if we just broke up.

I can't stand not knowing what u r doing. Whether u have woken up/ fallen alsp. Whether u r eating your meals.

I'm afraid even if u somehow miraculously find some feelings for me but I feel so jaded tt I can no longer trust u. I really dont know how long of this I can take.

I miss u.... I wish I could say this to you. I wish u would just hug me n tell me everything is alrt.

We have all the time in e world

U always use to say tt. How I wish u can say tt to me now.

On hindsight u might have dropped subtle hints like tt. Just tt I didnt pick it up.

Oh man. It just hurts.

No tear day

I promised myself I won't cry today. Hope I can do it!

Cherish

I guess it's true tt pple only learn to cherish when they lose someting. Or for my case, on e verge of losing someting.

I guess I have taken it for granted that you w always b there when I need you. I have grown to need you. Hence I'm really at a loss now tt I may lose you.

Getaway

I just booked a getaway for us 1-2 oct even though you did not say whether u w go w me. It can b cancelled for free if done by 30sep. So tt gives us another 2 wks to see wat happens.

I worry u may have plans w ur frens and choose ur frens over me.

I only have 6 wkends left in SG. Out of which one is yl's wedding (which I duno if u'll go). Another I planned bkk. But to b frank I really dun have e mood to go.

I just read all of e old posts. All the way from when I was still with G.

There's one part where I actually blogged that u r not e last guy kind of guy.. Somewhere along e way I must have forgotten abt that.

I must say ive been really happy though all the years we've been tog. I couldn't have asked for more.

Our r/s may have changed drastically. I rem times where we would feed each other even though it prob took twice e amt of time to eat. Our 'rate e day'. Sleeping on e floor of my single rm. E beanbag I made. E pencil case. Going t qian hu. Ur black sand fish tank. N later white (or e other way round). Eating on e roof of e new hall. E butterflies in my rm. so many tings. So many beautiful memories which we made. Thk you for those.

Now I feel tt my love for u has nv changed. Except for mayb e way it shows. U r always e first person i wan to share my joy and sorrows with. Thinking of u always cheer me up (except now of coz). U have always been my rock. Supporting me n always saying e right tings to calm me and make me feel good.

U just msg me that u eventually want things to work out btw us. I was so happy to see that. But I won't hold u to it. Don't worry.

I just wish I could do something. But I guess this is something u need to do on ur own.

Why does my heart ache so much

It really sux. Food is tasteless but I still eat anyway. I drink so much more coz I'm crying all the time (surprised I haven got a headache from so much crying)

I was cautious going into e r/s but u always assured me and somewhere over the years I really gave my heart to you.